InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "the devils minion"

Luna Rose Lovegood (lovely_daydream) wrote,
@ 2009-09-03 15:54:00

Im fine..
I know it's been a while since I have updated, but I am not sure why I had the urge to update now of all days. Maybe it's because I am getting into the swing of things as I now start my second year of college. Hard to believe I been here a year and things have changed. But then again a lot has changed with my friends and I. Everything that we went through changed us physically, mentally and emotionally. I still have nightmares of what happened back then, but only Shelly would know that I have horrific dreams of back then. We are more like sisters because of that, and the fact we grew up together. I am not sure why I am thinking about the past. Maybe because what I have gone through over the past year was enough to make me go stir crazy. But I hope that this year will be a bit better than last year.

But what I was not expecting was having a birthday party a month ago. Shelly's and my roomie Rikki planned the whole party without us knowing and was pretty sneaky if I do not say so myself. It was a pretty fun party and I got to chat with new people and my old friends. Though I do feel bad aboout treating Hannah's boyfriend the way I did, but I still have issues with talking to him though I do appologize, Hannah. A lot has changed since... well those who know us know the reason. Despite all that, I was happy that I had a party. Maybe Shelly and I will get one next year.

Private to close friends

i would say that I am fine, but I think those of you who know me really well will probably say that I still look like a deer caught in headlights. Since that whole stalker ordeal last year, my phone remains turned off unless I have to keep it on for a specific reason. I dont want to experience that again, but I am not banking my chances. I have been very cautious around most people and that is probably why I treated Draco the way i did. I am tired of being treated with disrespect, and while I would normally have laughed it off, the past year has done more than just change who I am. It's made me into a person who is scared all the time and I don't like it. My own father doesn't even know that I got caught by the stalker and is now walking around campus like someone is watching me, too afraid to do much of anything. My only question is: Will I be okay? I am not sure, but I hate being scared for my life and having occuring nightmares of that night pop in my head at random times and have a meltdown. I can only hope that time will make me better, but who knows really...
End Private

I... need to clear my head. I'll be somwhere on the quad. Let's hope I don't have another meltdown...

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	lightwithin 2009-09-04 06:01 am UTC (link)
	I think that we need to throw them a party this time. [Luna] Crescent, maybe its time to talk to that psychologist again... you've been waking up in the middle of the night and I know you'll be okay but I think this would help... you dont' ahve to talk about anything you don't want to, but this time I'll keep quiet. We'll make it right... I promise. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	lovely_daydream 2009-09-04 01:56 pm UTC (link)
	I think so too. [Shell] I think you are right, but.. I'm scared. I know I have been worrying you with waking up in the middle of the night, but I am not sure how it would help... I din't want to say everything, and you don't have to keep quiet. I just want to feel like myself again. (Reply to this) (Parent)

Lovegood

blondeheir
2009-09-04 07:07 pm UTC (link)

We tend to focus on the past because at least we know what the past brought, whereas we don't always know where the future is going. I know that I, at least, have been known to ponder upon the past for those reasons exactly. Hannah's told me enough times to let the past go, but sometimes...I can't, because the past has changed me into whom I am today, and without the past...I'd just exist, with little meaning in the world.

And I may have been shocked to have been treated in such a way, especially in front of people who aren't familiar with our backgrounds, but...I'm...I'm honestly proud that you stood up for yourself that way. I think I was more surprised that you chose to do it there instead of years before. I don't know if I was here for the events that you're referring to, but...I'd like to hear it, if you're capable of sharing it with someone.

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Malfoy

lovely_daydream
2009-09-05 02:03 am UTC (link)

As suprise as it may be, but I agree with that, and it is a suprise considering how we never got along while at Hogwarts. But I agree with that statement. I don't know where my future is going so the past has been coming up more often in my thought process than anything else. Hannah is probably right in saying it's time to let go of the past, but for the same reason you said, I can't either. The past has changed me into who I am today,and without it, I'd be nothing.

I know you were shocked to be treated in such a way, much less in knowing I did it in a place where people do not know what or who we are. But you are proud? And that I stood up for myself? I think I was more suprised that I did it there than years before when I know I couldn't. You were here for some of the events I am referring to, but most of the stuff I am talking about happened during the war.. And I never talk about it. Though what happened last year, Michelle is the only one who knows what went on because she was there through most of it. I am not sure if I can tell it without having a crying meltdown, but... I can try...

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Lovegood

blondeheir
2009-09-05 02:31 am UTC (link)

Of course, Luna, I was proud that you stood up to me like you had, even if I didn't quite like the idea of being called out in front of everyone like that.

I've also learned that sometimes having a crying meltdown is the start to turning your life around. There...was a time, back in sixth year, where I nearly broke down. Potter walked in on me starting to cry openly in Myrtle's bathroom. I panicked and, when I was so startled to see him, I lashed out and started to use an Unforgiveable curse on him. He reacted upon instinct and used a spell that I hadn't been expecting to toss at me--causing me to be literally sliced open at my chest. It took that for me to open up my eyes and really see that the path that I was going down was not one that I wanted to continue. It had cost too much and there had been too much suffering, at my hands nonetheless.

It wasn't too long after that that I was witness to Dumbledore's death, Luna. I had him at wandpoint, Dumbledore. He offered me freedom, even at the end...and then it was as if he knew what would happen next. He'd told me not to say anything, not to stop it. And...I watched the man die, Luna. The plan that I'd come up with fifth year and had set into motion sixth year to bring Death Eaters into Hogwarts had worked. I watched Dumbledore die helplessly, and...and for the second time in my life, I questioned why I was doing what I was doing.

Only a few people know all of this, Luna. Potter, as he was there. Shelly only knows the second part, as I've mentioned it to her. Hannah knows everything, and Snape...who's no longer with us, but was there for both parts as well. And now you. It's not an easy thing to share and it's...it's probably one that I wouldn't be able to talk about, but in writing, I can manage.

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Malfoy

lovely_daydream
2009-09-05 03:30 am UTC (link)

I think you were not the only one who was proud. I think Shelly was too, but I can't be sure. I had to call you out like that, though I do feel bad for doing so. I was ready to snap and you showing posessiveness of Hannah after Gohan left us felt like a slap in the face.

You are not the first to say that to me. Shelly has said this on more than one occasion... Wait a minute, you had a meltdown in the bathroom? I knew he walked in on you, but I didn't know you fired an Unforgiveable on him, though I knew from Ginny that he reacted in a way that suprised you and Snape. It's good that it made you open your eyes at what you were doing was wrong. Too many people had died at that point and it was not by your hands. The Dark Lord was behind it and he influenced everyone.

Now that is a suprise. I didn't know you were the witness to that. harry only mentioned he and several other Death Eaters and Snape were there when Professor Dumbledore passed. he offered you freedom? Why didn't you take it? I mean he loved us all and he would have given it to you freely if you took it, but then again things happen for a reason.

I am glad you told me what happened. I know we don't see eye to eye since I am the girl who is out there most of the time, but I am glad nonetheless. I am pretty sure Hannah knows everything about you seeing as you are dating her. I know its not an easy thing to share, but I am not sure where to begin with mine.

First off, I was kidnapped last year by a sexist stalker who had a fixation with fixing people who were different.

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Luna

blondeheir
2009-09-05 01:52 pm UTC (link)

I...did. It wasn't one of my proudest moments, Luna, and I doubt that Potter even had a second to realize that that's what it was. That that's why I was there in the first place.

Harry didn't mention that I was the one who was there, trying to kill Dumbledore? That was my task, Luna, all along, to bring the Death Eaters into Hogwarts and to bring Dumbledore to his knees. I'd succeeded in the first half and had even orchestrated it so that Dumbledore and I had been alone in the tower that evening, at first. I'm honestly not surprised that Potter would have left that last bit out, but...it's true. His dying breath he offered me freedom, Luna. I hesitated. I was surrounded by Voldemort's Inner Circle at the time. I didn't know what to do. I was tired, exhausted, emotionally run down by that point in the school year. Bellatrix and...and her cronies were there, egging me on to just kill the man. But when I looked at Dumbledore, I saw a man who was already dying, Luna. I'm almost ashamed to say that it was that which made me hesitate more than...than me wanting to take his offer. Before I could even react, however, Snape stepped in, and killed him before my eyes.

I froze. I hadn't wanted to kill Dumbledore that evening, but I had no idea how else to get out of my current predicament. Snape...made me run. Made us run. And...and that's why I couldn't take his offered freedom, Luna. He was killed in front of me before I could even say a word in response to his statement.

...You...were kidnapped? That's...I can't believe that something like that would happen here, so far away from everything we've been through.

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